5/2/2014 @ 3.55 pm

R 

You are released from cage,
freed from every necessary pain and rage;
whole and complete, come back.

CH

24/1/2014 @ 7.03 pm

R

I have made many mistakes from the day we met until today.  

These mistakes are 100% my fault.  You have nothing to do with any of them.  I am the only one to blame for having done wrong in our relationship. 

My first mistake is in not loving you for who you are and my second mistake is in taking your needs for granted.  For much of our relationship, I have been much too insensitive to you as a person and your needs, and cared only about myself and my needs.  I snuffed out the only 2 things you needed in our marriage - a voice, your voice; and your self. 

We have rarely communicated or shared our thoughts and emotions, hopes and fears.   Or rather, I pushed my thoughts and emotions on you and made them yours, without once straining myself to understand your thoughts and emotions.  This has hurt our relationship and kept us from growing closer; and also reinforced your deep fear that our relationship might have been a mistake from the beginning.  If I told you now, you would not believe that I too desire a relationship where we as two people come from a place of unconditional love and encounter the other regularly – in body, mind and spirit – and to create a deep bond where we are free to express ourselves over anything, and to share exclusive moments of honesty and vulnerability.  I know that my insensitivity and selfishness have caused you great frustration, deep hurt and pained loneliness.  I have also been unduly harsh and abusive toward you, ironically these were times when you sought to verbalise your concerns toward me and I failed miserably to listen to you with a husband's patience and understanding and instead I acted callously by flaring up on you.  I never meant to deprive you of your voice in this relationship - I don't really know what went wrong but right in the start of our relationship, it has always been your voice and your thoughts - and the privilege you gave me to allow me to hear and share in your thoughts - that attracted me to you and made me feel special.  Even now, that is most of what I am missing (and feeling lost without it).  For my neglect of your soul, I am sorry and I ask for your forgiveness.

I have not been a good sexual partner toward you.  I know physical affection, touch and sex are important to you, and I have been anything but loving toward you in this area.  I have deprived you many times of physical affection, touch and sex, and yet expected you to satisfy me of my physical desires.  I allowed my own broken-ness and selfish reasons (pornography, snoring, gaming, fatigue, performance anxiety, low self-esteem) to avoid sex, sometimes entirely without knowing, even when I should have known that the respectful act was to have confessed and share my vulnerability with you, and to seek help.  I allowed apathy to fester in my mind and to justify the unjustifiable lack of physical intimacy and my selfish reasons for not satiating you sexually.  I can’t imagine how my persistent rejection of your body has devasted your sense of worth and confidence, or how sexually frustrated I made you feel each time I deflected my guilt in this area by refusing to discuss my issues with you and worse,  by demanding that it was you who needed to change for me when I was the one with all the afflictions.   For all my broken-ness and selfish reasons, I too desire physical affection, touch and sex, with you, and honey, I find you - your pretty face, svelt figure and everything about you - exceedingly beautiful.  I am truly sorry that I kept my body from you, and I made you feel undesired.  I hope it is not too late to tell you that my body is not mine, it is yours, and I no longer want to keep it from you.  I am working on myself to cure my snoring and my affliction to pornography and unnatural psyche (a hybridised Madonna-whore complex).  I have already shelved my gaming laptop and intend to use it only if I can find self control.  For my neglect of your body, I am sorry and I ask for your forgiveness.

I have also put work and career ahead of you.  Even though I presented myself physically at home on most nights, I allowed my heart and mind to be on work.  Ultimately, I pursued personal accomplishment and materialism, and I have come to realise that they mean nothing in this life of temporal existence.  Love is the greater goal, and I was in a fog not to realise it earlier (but I do now).  Even if I had all the personal success and money in this world, but no love, I would derive no joy or fulfilment.  Too many times in our relationship, I have not made you feel more important than my quest for personal accomplishment/career, and I know it made you feel minimised, unloved and unvalued.   For my neglect of you as the love of my life, I am sorry and I ask for your forgiveness.

You are more important – way more important – than how I have made you feel during our relationship.     I made you feel secondary to me, a mere housemate, when I should have made you feel like my best friend and my lover.  I was a poor husband, insensitive and apathetic to the core, and I let down all your hopes and expectations placed upon our relationship.  I have hurt you very deeply and I know you probably feel that you cannot trust me again. 

My intent is to do love. 

To improve the soul communication between us, I commit to you that I will spend at least 1 hour a day to speak together.  It could be about anything, really: what happened in our day, our thoughts, our emotions…and whatever else we are prepared to share with the other.  I know that it won’t be easy at first because of all the hurt and stonewalling that has been caused to our bruised egos and pride, and it will take time to get there, but I will learn, persevere and get better at letting you see the real me, and I will see the true you.

To improve the physical intimacy and emotional connection between us, I commit to you that I will learn and strive to show you affection more and more each day.  I know that you may not feel much connection with me now, or even want to, and so I would not push you further away by assuming what you need.  I am willing to go at your pace, depending on how you feel.   You have a voice, and I want you to feel no fear in vocalising your thoughts to me; and I will be receptive, and learn to listen to every word you say.  Where you will let me, I will touch you and hold you, closer and closer as you are comfortable.  Where you are not yet ready to let me, I will be patient and wait for you to be ready to speak to me and invite me to step into your world.  I commit to you that I will not rely on pornography any more.  I too want our intimacy to be pure and unadulterated, and for it to be exclusive and without limitation.  There should be no inhibition or “pedestalising” the other, it should just be honest and bold. 

To deal with my selfish regard for materialism and personal achievements, I commit to you that I will no longer worry about career advancement or personal profit.  I will speak to my bosses in February about taking a substantial time-out from work, so that I can take my mind off the pressure of work and the many deadlines in my job that have caused and continue to cause me much stress and anxiety.  I will also make every effort to be home before 7 pm every day; and where I might be later than 7 pm, I will call you (not text you) and let you know.   Further, I will not answer or check my mobile or blackberry at home, or work from home unless it is absolutely important that I have to – and even then, I will not spend more than 30 minutes on such work.  Money is the root of all evil, and I will expel it from my definition of happiness.

R, I know that there is no reason for you to believe any of what I’m committing to you, after all the hurt and pain I have inflicted on you throughout our relationship.  We’re not close now and our marriage is in (serious) trouble.  I will work on myself and make changes to myself, for myself.  The point is that things are different.  I am not the same; neither are you, nor is the world.  Nothing is.  Existence is a process, not a static state. 

If I can be of any assistance to you, let me know.

P.S.  Hope the writing bug comes back, as I think it does with all creative people who lose their motivation.  (I have always loved your writing.)

With contrition,

CH

19/1/2014 @ 10.41 pm

http://compassionpower.com/MarriageProblemsWhentalkingdoesnthelp.php http://www.howmarriageworks.com/index.php

15/1/2014 @ 11.44 am

From a book, italics and emphasis not mine: 

"Marriage in God's context means making choices when you do not feel like it.  True love is not a feeling, it is a choice and a decision."

6/1/2014 @ 1.44 pm

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201204/the-truly-free-marriage

4/1/2014 @ 8.25 pm

R – I know that nothing I say or do now can change the past.  My faults are mine, and I can only apologise without reservation.  But I know that I have given love in a way that I thought would make you happy.  It may have come off passive; it may even have seemed nonchalant.  I have definitely rested on my perceived laurels, and over time your feelings ebbed and faded.   For my part, I have only regrets that I didn’t know better.  My love was such that it always sought to make you happy even if it came at my expense…and I didn’t know that it only made you unhappy…and I had no idea that you were so unhappy – disgusted and despairing, as you say, that you turned to another guy for acceptance and presence.

It saddens me that our relationship is in a crisis.   I never thought our marriage would be in the death throes it is in now.  There are no consoling thoughts; just tidal wave after tidal wave of sorrow with no apparent abatement. 

Love – in any form – is a choice.  I choose it.  I still believe that we can restore the love we once had for each other, and we can even make it better.  From now on, I want to court you every day of our lives and create deep bonds of emotional connection and intimacy.  I want to make you feel loved and secure; that you are always my Number One and I am always fighting for you, whether I am at work or at home.  I want to be entirely selfless and do love this time.  We don’t have to agree on everything to have a great marriage; we only have to be unconditionally loving and caring toward each other.  I still believe that we have an inherent compatibility and, with desire, we can manifest that compatibility, not to the world but to each other.

Now I cannot stop you from determining an end to our marriage. With all that has happened, you may feel an insurmountable disappointment and hurt, and have rationalised that you never felt true love to begin with, that you have a lack of self, that we have no soul connection, no actual presence…that you are trapped in a cage (despite all your rage).  Love – in any form – is a choice, and you may choose not to love me or try anymore.

If it comes to that, I will not plead for your mercy or your return.  But I will never doubt my own feelings for you.  I will regret that I was completely blind to your innermost feelings of emotional disconnect; that I was more than able and willing to show you more love but I didn’t and allowed our glorious love to die a slow, sure death.  I will grief for my loss of one true love.  And in spite of my pain, I must do what a loving spouse would do, and not stop you from moving on.

If you read this, know that I stand behind you always x

31/12/2013 @ 4.39 pm

Sex and Me

I thought she didn’t want sex on weekdays, especially after working.  In the past (i.e., before marriage), we tended to just lie in bed on the weekdays that we met, after I had picked her up from DAS.  On weekends, we had sex.  Her energy levels seemed lower on weekdays, and at night, generally.

It felt like she would only want sex on an impulse and after a dearth of sex for a while.   I thought that suited me fine, Mr. Sex-Is-Overrated-Live-Gigs-Are-Better.

In the beginning, I would want sex more…but as I didn’t want to make her feel pressured, I didn’t make a meal out of it.  Indirectly, I adapted to her patterns and desensitised my needs.  I thought that was fine because I didn't want to scare her with a crazed sexual appetite - and besides, this was a girl I found so incredibly attractive in other ways.  I didn't think I should just treat her as an object...or make her feel that way.

In the beginning, sex with her was pure and unadulterated.  As in, I still watched porn, but only before sex with her (I theorised that it would keep me going for longer when we actually did it, and by and large it worked), and only after sex with her (i.e., the next day or so when we didn’t meet).  During sex itself, it was pure and unadulterated because my focus was always on her. I would keep my eyes open and check her out in every way I could, unless she opened her eyes and didn't like me staring.   I even remember one time (it might have been the day we made a commitment to take our haphazard encounter forward to a real relationship), I experienced the deepest physical encounter with her through sex than I ever had with anyone  – and I shared that moment with her by asking her as I was still inside of her if she “felt it too” (and she said yes).  When I look back at the reasons why I thought of her as a wife, and would propose to her, that moment ranks quite highly on the list.

Things that turned me on: her willingness to pleasure me for a good length of time; her own indulgence in sex; what she wore (short denim skirts, bangles) – these made a significant difference to me, because they just turn me on.  I smiled so hard to myself every time I thought of how I didn’t have to change her dress sense, she was already wearing these things that turn me on (one of the things I always look for in a relationship, is not having to change a person and therefore it works so perfectly when that person is everything you looked for...in this instance, for my sexual gratification).

Things that didn't please me so much: her unwillingness to french, pleasure/be pleasured around the ears, and various more arcane acts of sexuality.  It didn't worry me much, because of the things that turned me on, and I was very happy with what she gave me in other aspects.

In the beginning, sex was great.  It felt recreational and, at the same time, meaningful.  She would go wash off after sex (usually it’s the men who go first), and we would then lie down next to each other and talk random talk…occasionally peering out through the window to look out into other apartments or the stars.  It felt surreal and beautiful.  Sex was meant to be as simple as this. 

In marriage, sex was not so great. 

I tended to be tired on weekdays, from the work exhaustion.  In that exhaustion, it was also harder to perform, invariably because of the porn, which I had continued to use on the justification that she would go through an unusually long period (1 week or longer sometimes) and I needed to jack off somewhere.  Then came gaming (which I had stopped completely for a good 3-4 months before the urge came back again).

Her pattern of feeling tired on weekdays because of work now seemed to coincide with mine.  At first, I did try to initiate sex on weekdays but it didn’t surprise me when she seemed disinterested…and so I adapted to her, again.  Only this time, I figured that I was also affected by work exhaustion.  This was my mind rationalising, and in so doing, I missed the starting signs of our emotional deterioration.

On weekends, the moments of sexual desire were random.  In my head, I was definitely inclined for sex (I love my wife and find her very attractive) – but on Saturdays she worked and seemed disinterested in sex.  On Sundays, we had family commitments and this also seemed to sap her of energy.  It would usually be in the late weekend afternoon that we would be lying in bed and she would initiate sex.  My mind set at that time was generally tired – I don’t nap much and my heightened sexual moments are in the morning or at night.  Afternoons are a very strange timing for me.  I mean in the beginning, we did it at night when we met. Afternoons are not me.  But it was her.

And when her moments came on, I didn’t want to lose it.  So I willed myself to perform.  Initially, I did perform – I found that even if I didn’t like the moment, or what she was wearing (usually just plain clothes), I could focus on her being my wife.  That's actually the reason I never felt porn was bad per se - I regarded it as my litmus test of whether I felt love for a woman or not...in that, if I had to fantasise while I'm doing it, then that's not the girl I love...and with her, I passed the test.   

Once, I didn’t perform – I might have just “done it” with porn a while earlier and I found it difficult to stay hard, even though she was turning me on.  The pressure of not disappointing her overcame me, yet it only made me fail miserably.  I tried to the point of exhaustion, couldn’t, and gave up.  The ensuing moment was one of total devastation, anguish, guilt and shame.  I wanted to say something, apologise, have her understand the pained emotions I was going through, for letting her down….but I couldn’t bring myself to.  I was crushed at the thought of having made her feel insufficient…and instead, I brushed it aside and pretended like it was nothing…and determined in my mind that the next time I would really perform.  The next time (a week later or so, also on a weekend afternoon), we tried again, and I didn’t perform – it was the pressure, and the fact that because we don’t generally get off on weekdays, I watch porn every day of the weekday.  I felt horrible, and this time I determined in my head that I would not allow sex unless I was “ready”.  

I am conscious that after that day, I started to actively avoid sex when I could, thinking avoidance was far better than disappointment.  I was fearful to give her any impression that it was her or there was a problem with our relationship.  To compound matters, I went to seek further refuge in porn...so I could check myself for virility, not knowing it would only be counter-productive.   And finally, I made passive-aggressive gestures to ask her to wear what I liked...simply because I wanted to feel in touch with my masculinity again. I felt so sure that her compliance would lead us back to sex again, and then with my confidence restored, we could talk about my insecurities.  That day may never come.

Postscript: read up on “morning wood” and came to the conclusion that I have never experienced that.  A testament to the gravity of my affliction.

31/12/2013 @ 8.32 am

I don't even wake up late anymore.  It's 7.50 am today, 7.11 am yesterday, 6.50 am the day before...

Marriage is a labour of love, it's not meant to be hunky dory all the time, without requiring effort or consciousness - I was a fool to believe it could be.  Even in this, she knew better than me.  I got too comfortable in our relationship and I didn't love her in a way that she would feel safe and validated. 

Porn and gaming, I can live without; she, I cannot.  But I cannot fix her.  She doesn't feel "in love".  Can I change that?  Fuck yeah.  5 Languages of Love.  I, not anyone else, can speak her language better and make her feel loved.  It's ultimately her choice...

In any case, I am all changed forever.