18/12/2013 @ 9.05 pm

Work has been terrible.  I have to put up a front that isn't any longer me.  Smile to clients, work nicely with clients and counter-parties, even entertain them.  Then there's the actual work that I do.  I'm negotiating all the time.  One document after another.  One e-mail after another.  It doesn't stop.  When all I wanna do is break down in a quiet corner and cry.  I miss her so much.  She is my wife, and I love her.  It's not even that I miss her because she does the house-keeping, the weekday cooking, and there is no one else to rant to about my sad, sad work life (not that of late I even ranted to her, or for that matter, talked to her about anything).  The reason I miss her is just her presence.  Absent her in my life, all I feel is an empty void of darkness and sadness. 

I'm reading Gary Chapman's Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married.  It was gifted to us before we got married.  I had a quick browse and didn't continue.  It sounded too constructed, too contrived, and not relevant to the great love we had.  Oh, we weren't deluded either.  It was just a comfort zone we both felt about each other.  You can't look back and say it wasn't right - that you would even look back, you would always think it wasn't right.  You never look back.  Because it was always right, and even if it was never perfect, there was perfection in the moment.  At least for me, that's the case, and I hope never to look back.... 

...and now that I'm all broken and alone, Gary's book doesn't sound constructed or contrived or irrelevant to the great love we have. 

18/12/2013 @ 10.37 pm

What he gave you, was not "true" acceptance or "true" presence.  Any guy can say anything he wants to please a girl - that is the easiest thing in the world; in a marriage he cannot say what he doesn't mean, as that would be the start of deceit.  He just maybe did not fully understand your specific needs and needed more time for his own acceptance in order to give you the true acceptance and the true presence.  More time, that's all, and a few hard knocks to bring him to terms.  Deep down he ultimately loves you and would fight for you and dig deep within his inner recesses to find an unselfish love and pride to change every iota of himself to make you feel all important and loved again.  He would have wanted you to think that too; and he just wants you to keep the faith now.  I offer this only for your consideration.