21/12/2013 @ 9.31 pm

I feel abandoned. A friend/colleague just texted to say she's noticed I've been acting strange at work and asked if we could do lunch next Monday or Tuesday. I replied, evasively, that I have just been really busy, and next week is not great cuz I have to so much work to complete.  Which is true.  Talk about bad timing.  The last 2 months have been the absolute worst months, and December is the pits, and I have my wife abandon me over some bust feelings that, stupid as I am, I failed completely to see coming.

I don't even blame her. It's not like I ever expected or needed her to do anything for me. If there was one hope, it was that she would consider very carefully about why we were together and would embark into the newfoundland of marriage with no one else but me. All my feelings, all my afflictions, all my heart...I laid honestly on the table. I never lied to her - yes I hid my inner fear about sharing a bed but that was it, and I'm truly sorry that I didn't share that fear. I thought we had an understanding, a perfect understanding, backed by all the rational but also the emotional attachments. I thought we were in love.

I genuinely feel that love allowed me to accept, and embrace, every similarity between us and also every difference between us.  The seed of love was planted when I met her the first time and did what only destiny could have arranged; and it grew upon our subsequent correspondence and meetings.  It came down when she told me who she was.  It went up when I came to terms with who she was.  It came down when she showed herself unwilling to display or reciprocate affection in public (beyond hand holding) - less so than I would have liked.  This was in fact a total come down, just because it meant even if I felt an impulsive rush of blood to the head, I had to refrain from caressing her or kissing her, in public.  It made me feel awkward and yeah it disaffected me a lot, and made me question our compatibility.  Also, the fact that she would write so beautifully about the feelings she felt for me, and not seem to be willing to communicate the exact same feelings to me in person.  It deprived me of the words of affirmation and hurt me a little...and then more.  What did I do?  I broached the subjects, talked about them, considered them (her views versus my views), resolved them (accept her views and reconciled my views against hers, without sadness), and moved on; and went up again, in love, with her.

Sure, I know now, that with the adaptive changes made to keep in love with R, maybe I built my own walls subconsciously to protect myself from being disaffected.  I use the word "maybe" because I did not set out to build walls, it may have happened subconsciously, or it may not have happened.  I am not the self-preservation kind.  I don't fall in love easily, when I do, I don't look back.  I had come to accept everything about her.  Started with a spark, then a fire, then a maelstrom of inner self realisation that while this was not a perfect love, it was perfection in the mutual love and respect we had for each other; and finally a blaze of glorious love in the soul-searched knowledge that I was able to and would accept her in whole (and not in part). 

I hope and pray that she was the same with me.

And that is, to me, the "in love" stage of our relationship.  Gary Chapman describes this as a transient phase lasting on average 2 years.  We've been together for 5 years.  Maybe this now is the comedown for her, where she can no longer accept the purity of love and sacrifices she made for love - maybe now her eyes are opened and I'm just a shadow of the man she once thought she loved, or was in love with.  I was still headlong "in love" with her when she came down, and I remain headlong "in love" with her.  And there may come a time that I grow "out of love", when I may no longer find myself happy that I'm not allowed to embrace her tightly in my arms and let the public world melt around us.  But, I know in my veins that the love between us will always be stronger than self, and desires. I can only hope and pray that she is the same with me.