30/12/2013 @ 11.38 pm

From Gary Chapman's "Desperate Marriages": 

"Myth No. 3 - In a desperate marriage, I have only two options - resigning myself to a life of misery or getting out.  Those who believe this myth limit their horizons to two equally devastating alternatives, and then become a prisoner of that choice.  Thousands of people live in self-made prisons because they believe this myth of limited choices....

"Myth No. 4 - Some situations are hopeless - and my situation is one of these.  The person who accepts this myth reasons: Perhaps there is hope for others, but my marriage is hopeless.  The hurt is too deep.  The damage is irreversible.  There is no hope....You may have struggled in your marriage for years.  You may feel that nothing you have tried has worked.  You may even have had people tell you that your marriage is hopeless.  Don't let yourself believe that.  Your marriage is not beyond hope....

"Reality No. 6 - Love is the most powerful weapon for good in the world.  Meeting your spouse's emotional need for love has the greatest potential for stimulating positive change in his or her behavior.  Since love is our deepest emotional need, the person who meets that need will have the greatest influence on our lives....

"...love is not essentially a feeling; it is a way of thinking and behaving.  Love is the attitude that says, "I choose to look out for your interests.  How may I help you?"  This attitude will lead you to loving actions.  Such actions, in turn, meet your spouse's emotional need for love and stimulate positive emotions inside him or her, making it easier for him or her to reciprocate your love."

R - I'm just so tired of running these arguments through my head.   When we got married, I was proud of you for who you are and would become, and I was in love with everything that we were and would be.  It didn't matter what the world thought of us, or expected of us; I was always going to be behind you 100%.  I guess sometimes I felt unmet emotionally, physically in this marriage, and in my hurt, disappointment and frustration, it led to me becoming insensitive or de-sensitised to your emotional needs and intimacy.  I'm not trying to excuse my unloving self, and I know you have not felt much love from me either.  But I do want to make the future different, with you.  I want to rejoin you in heart and soul, and connect with you again, deeper than ever before.  Please reconsider any urge to flee this relationship, and whenever you feel like it, maybe we can talk about it.  I love you so much, and I know that if you are willing to choose love, we have nothing to fear but fear itself.