22/12/2013 @ 5.00 pm

50% of first marriages end in divorce; and more people divorce in the first year of marriage than any other. The dopamine receptors deplete after 2-4 years and that's when people fall "out of" love; statistically, the most difficult year is our year of marriage. I accept, not all marriages are salvageable.  In the end, it takes two to clap.  

It might be just wishful thinking, but she looks no less pretty to me today than when we first met, she may be even more so to me now.  Yeah I didn't always tell her how I liked what she was wearing most of the time or did anything more than tell her that (when I did).  Yeah I didn't feel turned on by what sometimes she was wearing, e.g., "my mother's night gown (which also smelled)".  Yeah I could have, should have, but didn't, tell her how much I found and still find her pretty. Why? Lack of communication - in the real sense of it, not just the repetition of saying "I love you, do you love me"s, which meant little or nothing to her without the actual manifestation of intimacy.  Lack of quality time - a total lack of quality time to connect with her emotional needs for assurance and reassurance. Just a total lack of knowing but never, never an actual lack of desire to make her feel the prettiest and bestest girl in the whole fucking world!!!

It might be just wishful thinking, but she captivates me even more today than when we first met.  In that when we first met, and she offered her literary perspective of life and explanation for her recluse until we met, it all sounded so impossibly surreal and beautifully fractured; and today I find her even greater an enigma than I had come to acknowledge.  She has bewildered, frustrated and ultimately enamoured me, and I am impeccably pulled into her.  Like a moth attracted to light, I am hopelessly drawn into her blinding light, as piqued as I am intrigued and desire to discover her inner thoughts and be a part of her inner workings, hopes, fears and expectations.  Why?  Because she is the personification of both carnal living and the transcension beyond the banality of carnal living (in other words, she is no different from any other girl and yet she is more than any other girl, she is my pure and perfect girl).

It might be just wishful thinking, but I may be even more in love with her than I had ever been in love with her or any one.  If only she knew what is true, she would know that I didn't know myself or how to express my love for her - pure and simple, and surely forgiveable?!!  If only she knew what is true, she would know that I love her - with dopamine, oxytocin, and whatever chemical lust in every sense of that word.  Yeah I shafted all of that into a misconceived receptacle of misguided ideology/realism.  But if we both let us work it just one more time, I might lure her back into my ramshackled world again, and make her the happiest girl in our world.

Postscript: If you would give us just one more chance, we could have a time to last a lifetime.