4/1/2014 @ 8.25 pm

R – I know that nothing I say or do now can change the past.  My faults are mine, and I can only apologise without reservation.  But I know that I have given love in a way that I thought would make you happy.  It may have come off passive; it may even have seemed nonchalant.  I have definitely rested on my perceived laurels, and over time your feelings ebbed and faded.   For my part, I have only regrets that I didn’t know better.  My love was such that it always sought to make you happy even if it came at my expense…and I didn’t know that it only made you unhappy…and I had no idea that you were so unhappy – disgusted and despairing, as you say, that you turned to another guy for acceptance and presence.

It saddens me that our relationship is in a crisis.   I never thought our marriage would be in the death throes it is in now.  There are no consoling thoughts; just tidal wave after tidal wave of sorrow with no apparent abatement. 

Love – in any form – is a choice.  I choose it.  I still believe that we can restore the love we once had for each other, and we can even make it better.  From now on, I want to court you every day of our lives and create deep bonds of emotional connection and intimacy.  I want to make you feel loved and secure; that you are always my Number One and I am always fighting for you, whether I am at work or at home.  I want to be entirely selfless and do love this time.  We don’t have to agree on everything to have a great marriage; we only have to be unconditionally loving and caring toward each other.  I still believe that we have an inherent compatibility and, with desire, we can manifest that compatibility, not to the world but to each other.

Now I cannot stop you from determining an end to our marriage. With all that has happened, you may feel an insurmountable disappointment and hurt, and have rationalised that you never felt true love to begin with, that you have a lack of self, that we have no soul connection, no actual presence…that you are trapped in a cage (despite all your rage).  Love – in any form – is a choice, and you may choose not to love me or try anymore.

If it comes to that, I will not plead for your mercy or your return.  But I will never doubt my own feelings for you.  I will regret that I was completely blind to your innermost feelings of emotional disconnect; that I was more than able and willing to show you more love but I didn’t and allowed our glorious love to die a slow, sure death.  I will grief for my loss of one true love.  And in spite of my pain, I must do what a loving spouse would do, and not stop you from moving on.

If you read this, know that I stand behind you always x