For all my sins i still love you

I think for once I need to write down my thoughts so that I don’t get into the all-too-familiar position of cornered into feeling as if I was the bad guy for upsetting you. Cuz even now I know distinctly how much it cut me when you couldn’t empathise with me and yet I don’t even remember the precise reasons why it cut me so much. See, that’s the thing with me. I react to how you treat me and once I’m hurt I seethe with so much pain that I don’t even remember what you said/did but I know you said/did.

First it was about something else. Then it was about Tze Min. I can’t even remember what that “something else” was now… but I know that everytime I say something-this, it’s something-that for you. But both were about me saying my piece and you telling me that it’s not and me trying to justify myself and you telling me it’s not and me trying to explain and you telling me it’s not and me trying to substantiate and you telling me not…until I just give up! You don’t have to get all self-righteous with me. I’m trying to get your empathy, I know I’m a fecking asshole/racist/ungentlemanly/can’t speak properly, but was I stupid enough to think I could be myself with you and you’d show your empathy?

Did you see how upset I was as we walked back to the office after lunch? THAT was the exasperation of a guy trying so fecking hard to make things right and all because he’s physically tired out but still trying to make evening plans and suck up to his girl but just felt so upset with the way his girl cornered him into submission…and THAT was the plea for an immediate apology. No qualifications, no buts, just “I’m so sorry for making you feel so unloved!”

NOT “we need to talk tonight”.

NOT when I’m so fecking unhappy and stressed up and busy and pissed off (both with myself and with you).

NOT when all “we need to talk tonight” means we could be fighting all over again because everytime I say something-this, you say something-that and I try to justify myself and you not listening and I try to explain and you telling me it’s not and I try to substantiate and and you telling me not…until I just want to CRY. Why……..why? !!!!!!!!

“I love you”. Do you?!

“Do you love me?”. How’s that ever going to be relevant?

I hope one day I die and you see that I lived a fucked up life, totally deserving of your disdain of me.


Listening to: "Cinema" by Iko

"I am battle-worn, baby
and my pillow feels like stone
and my cinema's empty
it's stopped showing me the years of gold"

Mogwai

Going to see Mogwai tonight. Finally. I've always wanted to catch this Glaswegian band but never got a chance to. They play a brand of music of such epic proportions that drowns in sound. Yup. Drowns in sound. Apt. Not half as accessible as Sigur Ros or The Album Leaf types but not nearly as abstract as Godspeed You Black Emperor instrumentalists (I forget where the "!!"s go for GYBE!?).

I'd put Mogwai on the same-ish stratosphere as Explosions In The Sky. But then, I take that all back. See, Mogwai are a beastial tour de force and they've weathered the stratosphere for a long while. These guys bleed cool and command our adoration. At least for me.

Obviously I'm looking forward to tonight's gig. Plus, I got pretty good seats too so yeah yeah yeah... =)

P.s. I love all the aforementioned bands.

Listening to: "Friend Of The Night" by Mogwai