31/12/2013 @ 4.39 pm

Sex and Me

I thought she didn’t want sex on weekdays, especially after working.  In the past (i.e., before marriage), we tended to just lie in bed on the weekdays that we met, after I had picked her up from DAS.  On weekends, we had sex.  Her energy levels seemed lower on weekdays, and at night, generally.

It felt like she would only want sex on an impulse and after a dearth of sex for a while.   I thought that suited me fine, Mr. Sex-Is-Overrated-Live-Gigs-Are-Better.

In the beginning, I would want sex more…but as I didn’t want to make her feel pressured, I didn’t make a meal out of it.  Indirectly, I adapted to her patterns and desensitised my needs.  I thought that was fine because I didn't want to scare her with a crazed sexual appetite - and besides, this was a girl I found so incredibly attractive in other ways.  I didn't think I should just treat her as an object...or make her feel that way.

In the beginning, sex with her was pure and unadulterated.  As in, I still watched porn, but only before sex with her (I theorised that it would keep me going for longer when we actually did it, and by and large it worked), and only after sex with her (i.e., the next day or so when we didn’t meet).  During sex itself, it was pure and unadulterated because my focus was always on her. I would keep my eyes open and check her out in every way I could, unless she opened her eyes and didn't like me staring.   I even remember one time (it might have been the day we made a commitment to take our haphazard encounter forward to a real relationship), I experienced the deepest physical encounter with her through sex than I ever had with anyone  – and I shared that moment with her by asking her as I was still inside of her if she “felt it too” (and she said yes).  When I look back at the reasons why I thought of her as a wife, and would propose to her, that moment ranks quite highly on the list.

Things that turned me on: her willingness to pleasure me for a good length of time; her own indulgence in sex; what she wore (short denim skirts, bangles) – these made a significant difference to me, because they just turn me on.  I smiled so hard to myself every time I thought of how I didn’t have to change her dress sense, she was already wearing these things that turn me on (one of the things I always look for in a relationship, is not having to change a person and therefore it works so perfectly when that person is everything you looked for...in this instance, for my sexual gratification).

Things that didn't please me so much: her unwillingness to french, pleasure/be pleasured around the ears, and various more arcane acts of sexuality.  It didn't worry me much, because of the things that turned me on, and I was very happy with what she gave me in other aspects.

In the beginning, sex was great.  It felt recreational and, at the same time, meaningful.  She would go wash off after sex (usually it’s the men who go first), and we would then lie down next to each other and talk random talk…occasionally peering out through the window to look out into other apartments or the stars.  It felt surreal and beautiful.  Sex was meant to be as simple as this. 

In marriage, sex was not so great. 

I tended to be tired on weekdays, from the work exhaustion.  In that exhaustion, it was also harder to perform, invariably because of the porn, which I had continued to use on the justification that she would go through an unusually long period (1 week or longer sometimes) and I needed to jack off somewhere.  Then came gaming (which I had stopped completely for a good 3-4 months before the urge came back again).

Her pattern of feeling tired on weekdays because of work now seemed to coincide with mine.  At first, I did try to initiate sex on weekdays but it didn’t surprise me when she seemed disinterested…and so I adapted to her, again.  Only this time, I figured that I was also affected by work exhaustion.  This was my mind rationalising, and in so doing, I missed the starting signs of our emotional deterioration.

On weekends, the moments of sexual desire were random.  In my head, I was definitely inclined for sex (I love my wife and find her very attractive) – but on Saturdays she worked and seemed disinterested in sex.  On Sundays, we had family commitments and this also seemed to sap her of energy.  It would usually be in the late weekend afternoon that we would be lying in bed and she would initiate sex.  My mind set at that time was generally tired – I don’t nap much and my heightened sexual moments are in the morning or at night.  Afternoons are a very strange timing for me.  I mean in the beginning, we did it at night when we met. Afternoons are not me.  But it was her.

And when her moments came on, I didn’t want to lose it.  So I willed myself to perform.  Initially, I did perform – I found that even if I didn’t like the moment, or what she was wearing (usually just plain clothes), I could focus on her being my wife.  That's actually the reason I never felt porn was bad per se - I regarded it as my litmus test of whether I felt love for a woman or not...in that, if I had to fantasise while I'm doing it, then that's not the girl I love...and with her, I passed the test.   

Once, I didn’t perform – I might have just “done it” with porn a while earlier and I found it difficult to stay hard, even though she was turning me on.  The pressure of not disappointing her overcame me, yet it only made me fail miserably.  I tried to the point of exhaustion, couldn’t, and gave up.  The ensuing moment was one of total devastation, anguish, guilt and shame.  I wanted to say something, apologise, have her understand the pained emotions I was going through, for letting her down….but I couldn’t bring myself to.  I was crushed at the thought of having made her feel insufficient…and instead, I brushed it aside and pretended like it was nothing…and determined in my mind that the next time I would really perform.  The next time (a week later or so, also on a weekend afternoon), we tried again, and I didn’t perform – it was the pressure, and the fact that because we don’t generally get off on weekdays, I watch porn every day of the weekday.  I felt horrible, and this time I determined in my head that I would not allow sex unless I was “ready”.  

I am conscious that after that day, I started to actively avoid sex when I could, thinking avoidance was far better than disappointment.  I was fearful to give her any impression that it was her or there was a problem with our relationship.  To compound matters, I went to seek further refuge in porn...so I could check myself for virility, not knowing it would only be counter-productive.   And finally, I made passive-aggressive gestures to ask her to wear what I liked...simply because I wanted to feel in touch with my masculinity again. I felt so sure that her compliance would lead us back to sex again, and then with my confidence restored, we could talk about my insecurities.  That day may never come.

Postscript: read up on “morning wood” and came to the conclusion that I have never experienced that.  A testament to the gravity of my affliction.

31/12/2013 @ 8.32 am

I don't even wake up late anymore.  It's 7.50 am today, 7.11 am yesterday, 6.50 am the day before...

Marriage is a labour of love, it's not meant to be hunky dory all the time, without requiring effort or consciousness - I was a fool to believe it could be.  Even in this, she knew better than me.  I got too comfortable in our relationship and I didn't love her in a way that she would feel safe and validated. 

Porn and gaming, I can live without; she, I cannot.  But I cannot fix her.  She doesn't feel "in love".  Can I change that?  Fuck yeah.  5 Languages of Love.  I, not anyone else, can speak her language better and make her feel loved.  It's ultimately her choice...

In any case, I am all changed forever.

30/12/2013 @ 11.38 pm

From Gary Chapman's "Desperate Marriages": 

"Myth No. 3 - In a desperate marriage, I have only two options - resigning myself to a life of misery or getting out.  Those who believe this myth limit their horizons to two equally devastating alternatives, and then become a prisoner of that choice.  Thousands of people live in self-made prisons because they believe this myth of limited choices....

"Myth No. 4 - Some situations are hopeless - and my situation is one of these.  The person who accepts this myth reasons: Perhaps there is hope for others, but my marriage is hopeless.  The hurt is too deep.  The damage is irreversible.  There is no hope....You may have struggled in your marriage for years.  You may feel that nothing you have tried has worked.  You may even have had people tell you that your marriage is hopeless.  Don't let yourself believe that.  Your marriage is not beyond hope....

"Reality No. 6 - Love is the most powerful weapon for good in the world.  Meeting your spouse's emotional need for love has the greatest potential for stimulating positive change in his or her behavior.  Since love is our deepest emotional need, the person who meets that need will have the greatest influence on our lives....

"...love is not essentially a feeling; it is a way of thinking and behaving.  Love is the attitude that says, "I choose to look out for your interests.  How may I help you?"  This attitude will lead you to loving actions.  Such actions, in turn, meet your spouse's emotional need for love and stimulate positive emotions inside him or her, making it easier for him or her to reciprocate your love."

R - I'm just so tired of running these arguments through my head.   When we got married, I was proud of you for who you are and would become, and I was in love with everything that we were and would be.  It didn't matter what the world thought of us, or expected of us; I was always going to be behind you 100%.  I guess sometimes I felt unmet emotionally, physically in this marriage, and in my hurt, disappointment and frustration, it led to me becoming insensitive or de-sensitised to your emotional needs and intimacy.  I'm not trying to excuse my unloving self, and I know you have not felt much love from me either.  But I do want to make the future different, with you.  I want to rejoin you in heart and soul, and connect with you again, deeper than ever before.  Please reconsider any urge to flee this relationship, and whenever you feel like it, maybe we can talk about it.  I love you so much, and I know that if you are willing to choose love, we have nothing to fear but fear itself.  

29/12/2013 @ 7.43 pm

You felt our love separate;

We made it so by our choices;

So now, make new choices.

29/12/2013 @ 10.47 am

So don't despair, come out;

Feels like something's stuck in my throat;

Don't let me go now.

28/12/2013 @ 7.31 pm

R – you are gorgeous.  By that, I mean you look exceedingly hot and beautiful.  Your eyes are your best features, they brim with an innocence that radiates a life energy that draws me in every single moment.  I was spellbound when we first met, and now that you are “gone”, I ask myself why I ever took my gaze away from you or made you feel the way you did/still do. 

Because reasons.  Reasons stupidly assumed by me that did not bring us closer but have led us here instead.  Reasons that I will always find inexplicably tied to my misguided hopes and fears - I was a fool.  Reasons that if this is over, I can only hate myself forever.  Because the reasons were just so fucked up, y'know...

I really, really, really love you with every aching bit of my heart.  You are EVERYTHING that I have dreamed for in a woman…and I am so much in love with you.   All I ask in return is your love and trust again, and this time, I promise you that I will NEVER take my gaze away from you again.  I will never give in to whatever fears and obstacles that may come our way, but I will face them with courage and strength, and in the adversity, I shall emerge victorious.  I will never endanger our relationship again, and I will make you feel loved and special until death we part.

Though my heart is filled with sorrow, I pray to God that you may find the passion in you to entrust me as your man to lead you into the new world that awaits us. 

Love & peace.

27/12/2013 @ 10.16 pm

He, who is familiar and yet exuding an aura of mystery tonight, greets her at her doorstep.  He apologises for being late, but he had to run down a few shops to find the perfect rose, which he presents in his hand previously hidden away behind his back from her sight.  “How romantic is this?” He teases, quietly confident that she would reciprocate in kind.  And as she is about to respond, he dramatically lets drop the single thornless stalk of rose onto the floor, and with the same hand that dropped it, pulls her from waist towards him.  Not expecting such a turn of events, her body surges with an incessant rage of excitement and she lets him pull her towards him.  He leans towards her, and kisses her, forehead first and then cheek to cheek and then ear…there are no words as he gazes on her and at her every reaction…he stops for a while, and whispers in a faintly optimistic tone, “you don’t know what you’re missing”. 

The words break her trance and enter her slipstream…she knows he is persisting with the “ear thing”, and she is not sure it is a good idea, though she cannot resist smiling at his persistence.  She is about to say something.  She opens her mouth but before she is allowed to say anything, his tongue is in her mouth, searching and forcing itself onto her tongue, and lunging at it with spasmodic bouts of domination…it seems to tame her initial surprise and mild skepticism with a foreign object inside her.  She keeps her eyes closed, as if to savour the newfound splendour of such intercourse…it is actually turning her on….and when she opens her eyes, she finds him gazing upon her with intense yet bleary eyes...In that moment, he is showing an inexplicable vulnerability that confuses her as much as causes her to fall in awe of him.

He immediately notices her staring, and then retracts his tongue from her mouth as if to taunt her with love, “I told you it would be nice”.  She sees him moving down and feels him necking her with minor jabs and suction, and she moans, a little at first, and then a little more.  The jabs and suction quicken…he becomes literally unrelentless and she is feeling a little attacked now (in a good, pleasurable sense). It is at this point she closes her eyes again and surrenders yet again to an intimacy she now feels coursing through her veins at 100000 miles per hour.  He has moved his attack over to her breasts which he has somehow exposed from her dress, tugging and sucking against her nipples with his cool, moist lips….and as he works deeper down her naval and even deeper into her nether regions, she is getting excited.

Her body starts to spasm uncontrollably, her cunt has gone from the moist of the first kiss to a warm, agonizing wetness. Her instincts take her over, as she places a finger right in and flexes it…he removes her finger and demands that she surrender herself fully to his dominance without adulteration.  Yet he knows she is a woman of her own free will so he reacts with an increased motivation to keep his control over her…pushing her down to the floor to spread her legs on her knees before ripping her dress off.  Such violation allows him the sensual upper hand of pleasure, and allows him the practicable convenience accessing her clitoris, upon which his tongue gets lapping and even bitey.  She is by now a total victim of his dominance, all her guard down, and truly surrendered. 

She starts to pant a little, and he is getting extremely turned on by her in all fours.  “I gotta fuck you now”.  He moves up and onto her, his fingers having taken over where his tongue had left.  Her eyes, still closed up to this point, opens momentarily only to see his penis hardened hard, but not enough to see it being shafted inside of her.   But she feels it within her, and it is a highly anticipated encounter.  She relaxes and contracts herself, as he starts pounding her, gently at first, rhythmically even, but always stealthily increasing in pace, intensity and vigour.  And he doesn’t stop pounding.  She cries out as she climaxes.  Still he doesn’t stop pounding.  She feels assaulted, what is this violation that is going on?  He finally collapses, as the vortex of the assault comes to them, next to her and all that is, all that was, has come to pass.

She opens her eyes, satiated, loved and connected; and sees the carnage of the assault…torn dress, crumpled jeans, juices spewed…and then she meets his eyes, intense yet bleary, and now teary.  Teary. 

“Why are you crying, dear?”

He gazes into her face and pours his heart and soul out to her.   He explains, that the bane of his entire sexual existence had been pornography.  It [pornography] had been a life long crutch, necessitated initially by a lack of self and later on, by a desire to do good.  In particular, he had been in a sexless relationship of 4 years during which he had to confront his inner demons of the consequences of such a relationship.  He found himself struggling to honour his commitment to her, often feeling empty about the suppression of sex and feeling inadequate about himself, he found himself turning to the comfort of It, a realm where he could indulge in any fantasy he craved and not feel bad about it (since he wasn’t actually fucking a real woman).  He did not know It would cause him to descend into the very darkness itself where “normal” porn stopped cutting it, and even “hardcore” porn took (at times) hours just to find the right one…but It did.  By the time he realised how bad It was, the reality presented a choice of continuing with It; or feeling entirely hapless in a sexless relationship; or cheating on her with a real woman - something he swore he would never do to her or any other woman in his life…and he did what he had to do (i.e., continue with It).  And in that reality spawned his nightmare and insecurity, that maybe, just maybe, he was addicted to It and had lost his all libido with real women.   He relinquished his personal power over real women, and it was too painful and frightening to confront It.  Or rather, he thought, he could sweep this under the rug, so long as he never lied to his partner about the fact that he used It – after all, everybody uses It in this post-modern world, don’t they?  Little did he know that in all his effort to shroud his toxic shame regarding his affliction to It, he only frustrated himself and the only woman that mattered to him.

“I am crying because for the first time in my life, I need help; and I don’t want to lose you over this.  I love you so much that I can’t live without you.”

He then reaches out to her hoping against hope for a returned acceptance from her…

Love & peace.

27/12/2013 @ 2.20 am

I'm clearing my affliction.  It starts today, and by the time we meet, I hope to be cleared of my affliction.

27/12/2013 @ 12.14 am

R - I wanted our song played at our wedding (and for the lights to dim out for our private requiem)...you may say you were dead to the world then, but that would surely have been a moment of mutual epiphany.  I never told you, and never implemented it...we didn't even play Sigur Ros or Rachmaninov in the end...if I could do it all over, I would have played our song at our wedding (and for the lights to dim out for our private requiem).

"Diving Bell" (by Grace)

Behind the passworld(?), that's where you had all that you were;

That's where you could write all those words you try to say.

Behind the smokescreen, that's where you had its only [?];

Just that you might just as well be miles away.

In the diving bell, somewhere on the sea bed;

That's where I'll tell somebody a secret;

I don't wanna lose, I don't wanna lose, you.

A further(?) trapdoor, that's were I'll stand where you were;

That's where I'll see what you saw...in me.

Inside a phonebook, you are just one line of [?];

Not enough but I don't mind, cuz you're next to me.

In the diving bell, somewhere on the sea bed;

That's where I'll tell, somebody my secret;

I don't wanna lose, I don't wanna lose, you...

 

R - I am well and truly over myself, and I repent of all my sins.  I hope you out the cage and feel the freedom you've been deprived of all this time.  

25/12/2013 @ 12.55 am

I can't do this.  She is in as much pain as I am...trying to figure out what's wrong with her...when there is nothing wrong with her...I've been going about it all wrong.  I thought I would make her happy by adapting myself to her ways, so that she would never have to change, and would be happy.  I didn't know that by doing so, it drained us of any emotional attachment, and distanced us instead of bringing us closer.  I should have been more sensitive and cared for her, like I swore that I would.  I didn't do that, and now that I want to be there for her, she won't even let me.  What kind of husband am I?  

It's her crossroads, and I just wanna be there...not here. 

24/12/2013 @ 7.29 pm

From wikipedia, the triangular theory of love: 

"The triangular theory of love is a theory of love developed by psychologist Robert Sternberg. In the context of interpersonal relationships, "the three components of love, according to the triangular theory, are an intimacy component, a passion component, and a decision/commitment component."^[1]

1. Intimacy – Which encompasses feelings of attachment, closeness, connectedness, and bondedness.
2. Passion – Which encompasses drives connected to both limerence and sexual attraction.
3. Commitment – Which encompasses, in the short term, the decision to remain with another, and in the long term, plans made with that other.

"The amount of love one experiences depends on the absolute strength of these three components, and the type of love one experiences depends on their strengths relative to each other."^[2] Different stages and types of love can be explained as different combinations of these three elements; for example, the relative emphasis of each component changes over time as an adult romantic relationship develops. A relationship based on a single element is less likely to survive than one based on two or three elements."

And this:

So yeah.  I see where I fucked it ALL up.  I HAD my reasons, the details of which are not immediately relevant if she has decided that her feelings have slowly, passively and already died a slow death.  Because death is death, and generally there is no return, such as human death.  Can it - consummate love - return?  Yes, it is one form of resurrection that has happened before, many times in fact, in the history of true love.  Because Love is a choice.  And in that choice, I must persevere so that when the time comes, I will state my reasons with repentance, make my apologies with affirmation, and offer my unending consummate love to her...simply for her consideration/acceptance.

23/12/2013 @ 9.55 pm

I am limerent. Yeah, says it right here: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/The-Science-of-Being-Love-Sick-Relationships-and-Limerence.  

And yeah, weekdays are not the best days for writing.  Too much stress and negotiations.  It is not because I don't want to write.  I have so much to write.  But I am tired and I cannot help myself.

I am keeping hope alive.  Until she tells me it's over, I will remain faintly optimistic.  

22/12/2013 @ 5.00 pm

50% of first marriages end in divorce; and more people divorce in the first year of marriage than any other. The dopamine receptors deplete after 2-4 years and that's when people fall "out of" love; statistically, the most difficult year is our year of marriage. I accept, not all marriages are salvageable.  In the end, it takes two to clap.  

It might be just wishful thinking, but she looks no less pretty to me today than when we first met, she may be even more so to me now.  Yeah I didn't always tell her how I liked what she was wearing most of the time or did anything more than tell her that (when I did).  Yeah I didn't feel turned on by what sometimes she was wearing, e.g., "my mother's night gown (which also smelled)".  Yeah I could have, should have, but didn't, tell her how much I found and still find her pretty. Why? Lack of communication - in the real sense of it, not just the repetition of saying "I love you, do you love me"s, which meant little or nothing to her without the actual manifestation of intimacy.  Lack of quality time - a total lack of quality time to connect with her emotional needs for assurance and reassurance. Just a total lack of knowing but never, never an actual lack of desire to make her feel the prettiest and bestest girl in the whole fucking world!!!

It might be just wishful thinking, but she captivates me even more today than when we first met.  In that when we first met, and she offered her literary perspective of life and explanation for her recluse until we met, it all sounded so impossibly surreal and beautifully fractured; and today I find her even greater an enigma than I had come to acknowledge.  She has bewildered, frustrated and ultimately enamoured me, and I am impeccably pulled into her.  Like a moth attracted to light, I am hopelessly drawn into her blinding light, as piqued as I am intrigued and desire to discover her inner thoughts and be a part of her inner workings, hopes, fears and expectations.  Why?  Because she is the personification of both carnal living and the transcension beyond the banality of carnal living (in other words, she is no different from any other girl and yet she is more than any other girl, she is my pure and perfect girl).

It might be just wishful thinking, but I may be even more in love with her than I had ever been in love with her or any one.  If only she knew what is true, she would know that I didn't know myself or how to express my love for her - pure and simple, and surely forgiveable?!!  If only she knew what is true, she would know that I love her - with dopamine, oxytocin, and whatever chemical lust in every sense of that word.  Yeah I shafted all of that into a misconceived receptacle of misguided ideology/realism.  But if we both let us work it just one more time, I might lure her back into my ramshackled world again, and make her the happiest girl in our world.

Postscript: If you would give us just one more chance, we could have a time to last a lifetime. 

21/12/2013 @ 9.31 pm

I feel abandoned. A friend/colleague just texted to say she's noticed I've been acting strange at work and asked if we could do lunch next Monday or Tuesday. I replied, evasively, that I have just been really busy, and next week is not great cuz I have to so much work to complete.  Which is true.  Talk about bad timing.  The last 2 months have been the absolute worst months, and December is the pits, and I have my wife abandon me over some bust feelings that, stupid as I am, I failed completely to see coming.

I don't even blame her. It's not like I ever expected or needed her to do anything for me. If there was one hope, it was that she would consider very carefully about why we were together and would embark into the newfoundland of marriage with no one else but me. All my feelings, all my afflictions, all my heart...I laid honestly on the table. I never lied to her - yes I hid my inner fear about sharing a bed but that was it, and I'm truly sorry that I didn't share that fear. I thought we had an understanding, a perfect understanding, backed by all the rational but also the emotional attachments. I thought we were in love.

I genuinely feel that love allowed me to accept, and embrace, every similarity between us and also every difference between us.  The seed of love was planted when I met her the first time and did what only destiny could have arranged; and it grew upon our subsequent correspondence and meetings.  It came down when she told me who she was.  It went up when I came to terms with who she was.  It came down when she showed herself unwilling to display or reciprocate affection in public (beyond hand holding) - less so than I would have liked.  This was in fact a total come down, just because it meant even if I felt an impulsive rush of blood to the head, I had to refrain from caressing her or kissing her, in public.  It made me feel awkward and yeah it disaffected me a lot, and made me question our compatibility.  Also, the fact that she would write so beautifully about the feelings she felt for me, and not seem to be willing to communicate the exact same feelings to me in person.  It deprived me of the words of affirmation and hurt me a little...and then more.  What did I do?  I broached the subjects, talked about them, considered them (her views versus my views), resolved them (accept her views and reconciled my views against hers, without sadness), and moved on; and went up again, in love, with her.

Sure, I know now, that with the adaptive changes made to keep in love with R, maybe I built my own walls subconsciously to protect myself from being disaffected.  I use the word "maybe" because I did not set out to build walls, it may have happened subconsciously, or it may not have happened.  I am not the self-preservation kind.  I don't fall in love easily, when I do, I don't look back.  I had come to accept everything about her.  Started with a spark, then a fire, then a maelstrom of inner self realisation that while this was not a perfect love, it was perfection in the mutual love and respect we had for each other; and finally a blaze of glorious love in the soul-searched knowledge that I was able to and would accept her in whole (and not in part). 

I hope and pray that she was the same with me.

And that is, to me, the "in love" stage of our relationship.  Gary Chapman describes this as a transient phase lasting on average 2 years.  We've been together for 5 years.  Maybe this now is the comedown for her, where she can no longer accept the purity of love and sacrifices she made for love - maybe now her eyes are opened and I'm just a shadow of the man she once thought she loved, or was in love with.  I was still headlong "in love" with her when she came down, and I remain headlong "in love" with her.  And there may come a time that I grow "out of love", when I may no longer find myself happy that I'm not allowed to embrace her tightly in my arms and let the public world melt around us.  But, I know in my veins that the love between us will always be stronger than self, and desires. I can only hope and pray that she is the same with me.

20/12/2013 @ 12.54 am

Darn tits I didn't write for 19/12/2013...and my mind's all zonked out.  But it's one week since and I'm still reeling...didn't see it coming; and now one week later, I see it was ALL my fault... I can't think.  I just want us to make it all right again, with all my strength and vigour fused with all her strength and vigour...and to the extent that we cannot save this sinking ship, I just want the pain to go away.  

Till death do us part.

18/12/2013 @ 9.05 pm

Work has been terrible.  I have to put up a front that isn't any longer me.  Smile to clients, work nicely with clients and counter-parties, even entertain them.  Then there's the actual work that I do.  I'm negotiating all the time.  One document after another.  One e-mail after another.  It doesn't stop.  When all I wanna do is break down in a quiet corner and cry.  I miss her so much.  She is my wife, and I love her.  It's not even that I miss her because she does the house-keeping, the weekday cooking, and there is no one else to rant to about my sad, sad work life (not that of late I even ranted to her, or for that matter, talked to her about anything).  The reason I miss her is just her presence.  Absent her in my life, all I feel is an empty void of darkness and sadness. 

I'm reading Gary Chapman's Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married.  It was gifted to us before we got married.  I had a quick browse and didn't continue.  It sounded too constructed, too contrived, and not relevant to the great love we had.  Oh, we weren't deluded either.  It was just a comfort zone we both felt about each other.  You can't look back and say it wasn't right - that you would even look back, you would always think it wasn't right.  You never look back.  Because it was always right, and even if it was never perfect, there was perfection in the moment.  At least for me, that's the case, and I hope never to look back.... 

...and now that I'm all broken and alone, Gary's book doesn't sound constructed or contrived or irrelevant to the great love we have. 

18/12/2013 @ 10.37 pm

What he gave you, was not "true" acceptance or "true" presence.  Any guy can say anything he wants to please a girl - that is the easiest thing in the world; in a marriage he cannot say what he doesn't mean, as that would be the start of deceit.  He just maybe did not fully understand your specific needs and needed more time for his own acceptance in order to give you the true acceptance and the true presence.  More time, that's all, and a few hard knocks to bring him to terms.  Deep down he ultimately loves you and would fight for you and dig deep within his inner recesses to find an unselfish love and pride to change every iota of himself to make you feel all important and loved again.  He would have wanted you to think that too; and he just wants you to keep the faith now.  I offer this only for your consideration.

17/12/2013 @ 11.55 pm

If there has been a failure to actually connect intimately (conversational, emotional), or open up inner fears (conversational, emotional), let's talk about it.  Cuz that seems to be the root of the lack of spark or fuck.  If you are in a marriage, and you give up on marriage, you give up the chance to live with someone who knows you and accepts your quirks and all, and with whom you have nothing to hide and will be loved sacrificially.   I simply offer this for your consideration.  

I am only just functioning, my pace in everything I do has slowed down to a tenth, and my eyes well up whenever I think of how I let myself neglect you knowingly; but it feels like there is hope still.  

Hope is important.

16/12/2013 @ 9.15 pm

PORN PT 2.

So wait...am I allowed to use porn between now and seeing her again?? ;p

16/12/2013 @ 8.05 pm

PORN

(http://www.allinthefamilycounselling.com/index.php/marriage-a-couple/s/203)

The following article is an article taken from the May 2011 Blog by Dr. Marty Klein, US certified Sex Therapist and Marriage counsellor, lecturer and writer. I am reprinting his article because it help people to people to get a better context for why some people choose porn and  to look at how couples deal with porn and the possible reasons a partner chooses porn.

There are many reasons why a person chooses to use porn. According to Dr. Marty Klein these are some of the following reasons:

·         The sex is more satisfying

·         Ongoing conflict in the couple

·         No performance anxiety

·         Control of the experience

·         Lack of agreement on sexual routines

·         No startup cost after long absence of couple sex

·         No contraception struggles or fertility conflicts

For other people, masturbating to porn can be a strategy. According to Dr. Marty Klein these are some of the reasons people choose to masturbate to porn:

·         For staying married

·         For avoiding an affair or sex worker

·         For avoiding being honest about sex life

·         For not resolving existential issues about autonomy, dependence, intimacy, aging

Porn Addict or Selfish Bastard? Life Is More Complicated Than That By Dr. Marty Klein.

I'm seeing an epidemic of "porn addiction" in my office. Not of porn addiction, but of "sex addiction."

Here's how it looks: Wife/girlfriend somehow assumes that husband/boyfriend does not watch porn (guess that's what she means by "he's one in a million"). One day, his porn watching comes to her attention (he leaves something on the screen, she searches his website history, he gets an email or bill from some friendly porn site, etc.).

She freaks.

She decides what his porn watching "means":

* He doesn't care for her

* He's been faking sexual desire or enjoyment

* He'd rather be with other women (or men, or kangaroos, or whatever he's been watching)

* He's a pervert

* He's unfaithful

Needless to say, these interpretations make his porn watching her business. And frequently, she decides she has the moral high ground from which to dictate what his problem is, the fact that he must get it fixed, and what the treatment needs to be. With slight variations, a new version of this case walks into my office almost every week.

In a different world, Mr. Porn Consumer would turn to Outraged Wife/Girlfriend and say "Wow, I can see that you're really upset about what I'm watching. Let's talk about it and see what we can do." In the real world, however, most men are so loaded down with shame about their sexuality that the second their partner attacks them for watching porn, they collapse and allow their partner to seize control of the relationship.

She then drags him into my office so I can fix the poor guy. I'm supposed to turn him into a non-perverted, non-selfish, non-hiding, aroused-by-her-and-only-her ex-porn consumer.

I understand that some guys really have a problem with porn (I see these guys more than most therapists): some watch way too much, some have abandoned their partners emotionally, some think porn depicts real life (yeah, like the NBA depicts your local gym). But most guys who watch porn just, well, watch porn. And of course they hide it from their partner--because they assume their partner will hit the roof if she finds out.

While some women don't, too many do. And these days they have a choice: they can decide their man is a selfish bastard, or they can give him the dignity of a medical problem--"porn addiction" (as a bonus, she acquires the dignity of suffering with a partner who's ill." A lot of guys like the disease option, too. If a wife claims that porn use is infidelity, if a girlfriend claims that porn use means he isn't attracted to her, a disease is a good place to hide. It's like a high school dropout being busted for car theft--and choosing to join the army instead of going to jail.

How much of the woman's pain is really about him masturbating (the reason he uses porn, of course)? A lot of women insist that "as long as I'm sexually available to him, he has no reason to masturbate." When pressed on this, they say he has no right--"he shouldn't take his sexuality outside the relationship," as if they're jealous of his right hand.

If a woman has complaints about a guy's behavior--he calls her the wrong name or daydreams during sex, never wants to talk about anything, checks his phone during dinner--those are legitimate grievances that need addressing. Couples therapy is a great place to do that. But if her complaint is simply that he uses porn, which she finds disgusting or confusing, that doesn't give her the power to ban his hobby, or force him to defend it.

You can get a guy to promise to give up porn, and some guys actually will. You can even get a guy to promise to give up masturbating. A few actually will. The rest will do what they did when they were 14--they'll do it in secret, feel bad about it, and hope they won't get caught. And so a life of lying about sex continues. You can imagine what that will do to the couple's closeness.

Sadly, some women will continue to blame the porn, rather than examine how they've used coercion to undermine intimacy.

"Reprinted from Sexual Intelligence, copyright © Marty Klein, Ph.D. (www.SexualIntelligence.org)